As I crept through the latter half of my twenties, thirty loomed ahead, like a dark tunnel that I just did not want to go through. I mean, I can remember my parents being in their thirties. MY PARENTS, and now I was nearly there; parent-age! I would think about people I knew turning 30 and wonder, “How are they coping with this? How are they keeping it together? They are becoming old!” And then before I knew it, in a blink of an eye, it happened. It’s actually happened, I’m here. I turned thirty last week. And what is even worse is that it is not even that bad. WHAT was I worried about?!
In fact, turning thirty was actually nice. It’s like a relief and I really couldn’t be more proud/not fussed to be here. I have heard I am not alone in this worry about the big three-oh, but WHY do we spend so much time fearing it? This fear and my overcoming it is what I want to talk about here in this seminal I TURNED THIRTY post.
Letting Looks Go
It’s funny, I remember back to when I was eighteen, lying in the sun and scorching myself into a deep brown colour without a fear in the world. People, like mum, would tell me not to, of course, tell, because constant tanning means you will age faster. At the time this meant nothing and ageing seemed like a problem way too far in the future for me to worry about.
This doesn’t even seem like that long ago, but now I look in the mirror and I see the wrinkles are starting to appear and think, sooo THAT’S what they were talking about and I don’t always think kindly of myself. In turning thirty, I have started to really notice my ageing and I definitely fall prey to this obsession with looking young and fear of looking old and it’s a particular personal trait that I dislike.
I’m not saying that scorching your skin with a tan is a good idea. Its a really bad idea. But WHY should I be SO worried about these wrinkles? Why should we as women (and men to a lesser extent) feel we have to look young forever? Of course, we need to look after our health and the quality of our skin, but WE ARE ALL GOING TO AGE. If we don’t age, we die (morbid but true) and coming to terms with this has probably been one of the hardest, but most important parts of turning 30 for me. Ageing is going to happen to me and to everyone. And it is also something beautiful; let’s stop getting so hung up about ageing. Let’s stop letting men, media and society tell us whether we are beautiful or not and let’s stop comparing ourselves to our youth and to the youth of others.
And, side note, there is more to this than just turning thirty, let’s stop worrying about how we look all the time IN GENERAL. I don’t think those on their death bead look back and think “gosh I wish I’d looked younger or better?” No! they think, “god, I wish I cared less about how I looked!” Right?! Rant over.
Comparison Mindset
So what else was it about turning thirty that brought me to fear? Thirty is the age where things are “supposed” to change in your life. People start to settle into amazing careers, start to get married, buy houses and have smaller people. All of those inevitable events in our perfect linear lives, right? So when you approach the third decade, the pressure to do these things, to hit these milestones and to succeed, in these very specific ways, intensifies.
All this pressure gave me HUGE fear in my twenties because I wasn’t on a path to any of this. But, (as I see now), nor should I have been!
My twenties, I spent trying to work out where I wanted to be and what I want to be doing and instead of enjoying this, I let it stress me out. I wanted everything to work out instantly and perfectly and of course, it didn’t. But in turning thirty, something has shifted; the uncertainty doesn’t worry anymore and the comparisons have started to melt away.
Coming from a social circle where my peers are, protecting human rights, writing books, flying first class, performing with Drake and getting PhDs, (all of these are actually happening to people I know) I now feel happy for them, it is well deserved and I am grateful to be among such people. Where in the past this would have given me comparison overload, I now know that it doesn’t mean they’ve achieved more at life than me, they have just achieved different things in a different timeframe.
Becoming older has given me an ease and comfort in my own personal path and I no longer burden myself with the “expected” milestones. And what I’ve realised, more than anything, is that no one really fully knows what they want. At twenty, at thirty and probably beyond? We know more, and we know differently, but we don’t know definitively. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, but what I am trying to say is that coming through the expectations and letting them go means that thirty becomes SO MUCH easier than twenty! Anyone else?
Knowing More
So what about practicalities? To quote Lucas’ dad: “Twenties are for learning, Thirties are for earning.” For some reason, this saying has stuck with me since he said it and it can seem quite reductive, but there is some great truth in it too. What you don’t realise in your twenties is that you really are learning and preparing for the next stage in your life, even if you’re not at Uni or school. You are figuring out yourself, your work, who you are, what you are and what you are capable of.
I definitely didn’t realise or relish the good things about this uncertainty at the time; I wanted my perfect job and position on the spot immediately and I was always SO gutted if I didn’t get the job I wanted. What I didn’t realise is that these things come with time. Things definitely become easier in this space as you get older. You have more experience, more skills and this usually means more money! In your thirties, you are way more likely to get the things you want because now you know more STUFF! I wish I could tell the younger me to just chill out! And the current me to be honest.
Basically – Its Fine!
What else is there, I’m not sure? So maybe I’ll end this ramble-rant here, but yeah, turning thirty really isn’t even that bad. It seems to me that the biggest reason that I feared my thirties is because I didn’t know not to. All the unknowns and uncertainties we have in our twenties are part of the course. We don’t need to fear our own lives. Getting older is going to happen whether we like it or not. Lucas makes fun of me for being a birthday person but I think it’s good to celebrate getting older, wiser and more experienced, so champagne all the way!
And anyway, if it all really does all get too much, I like to remember that Rihanna, she’s the same age as me.
Photos by @NZL365
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For more posts you might like to check out the following:
Tips for Life in Wellington with Lucy from The Residents
Reviewing Grace Massage at Wellington Apothecary
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Josie x