Feeling Free AND Trapped - My Expat Pandemic Update

I have been reluctant to post this blog, despite having written it a while back. This comes from being aware of the privileged position I am in and not wanting to appear to be completely blind to that. However, I am also aware of how important it is to share our struggles because, no matter where they lie on the spectrum, i believe that all struggles are valid and worth sharing. I am so fortunate I’m so many ways but I also want to acknowledge that some things are really hard. So, while not trying to trump anyone else’s experience – so I’ve decided to share this blog now in the hope of acknowledging what I imagine is a collective experience for many migrants.

A confession. If the Pandemic had not happened, I would not be living in Wellington anymore. Lucas and I would be living in Melbourne. This fact is quite hard to get my head around. Welly feels like the absolute right place for us to be right now.

Plans for people all over the world have been wiped off the drawing board in a much worse and saddening way than for us, so I keep telling myself we are the lucky ones but I can’t help but want to reflect on it.

About 15 months ago – we made the decision to apply for an Australian residency visa (although I’m still waiting on this to come through, $8k and 15 months later!) with the aim of moving to Melbourne to be nearer to L’s family going forward. My boyfriend Lucas is Australian, and all his fam live in Melbourne. After trying and failing to buy a house in Welly (see Blog post about this) we were feeling the need to take another big step forward and leaving Welly to move to Melbourne felt like the right and exciting thing to do at the time.

The Australian Partnership Visa takes so long to process, so we made the application with the aim of mid-2020 being the move date.

We feel sooo fortunate that we hadn’t laid down any concrete plans or booking for our trip but the idea was to travel to the UK and Europe to visit my family and see the sights before making the move to Aus.

In March this year, as the impending doom settled in, it became abundantly clear that this was not going to happen easily, so we immediately scrapped all our plans and bedded into staying in Wellington.

Timing is a fine thing!

This change in plans was, at first, a huge blow. However, interestingly it has also become to feel like a huge relief. Lucas and I feel extremely lucky to be in New Zealand now. The government has done what they can with the circumstances, and we have very little Covid in the country. New Zealand has been praised all over the world for the response and life appears to be as normal as possible here. (And I won’t even mention the mess that Melbourne is in – I feel too bad for them over there.)

as usual for me, in my ex-pat life, this feeling of calm and freedom is intertwined with a feeling of being trapped and anxious

However, as usual for me, in my ex-pat life, this feeling of calm and freedom is intertwined with a tugging and constant feeling of being trapped and anxious. I recently wrote about my pandemic ex-pat anxiety and this has definitely been a rollercoaster but becomes more intense the further we move through this weird time.

It is a very hard emotion to describe – the feeling of being grabbed in a beautiful bubble that can’t be broken. It is at the same time a great comfort and blessing and at the same time a painful reality.

Luckily, now, Lucas and I have no pressing reason to go home to either of our families, other than just wanting to see our loved ones. We were in a position to easily scrap our Melbourne plans as we are both lucky enough to have ongoing permanent jobs. However, it is very hard to imagine what will happen next and despite our positive outlook, this is a very difficult thing to sit with when you live internationally. With the charge for managed isolation for those returning to NZ from Covid-ridden countries, it is beginning to look like it could be a long time before casually visiting our families will be a reality again.

I understand that all these restrictions and stopping air travel is actually a really good thing for the environment. I wholeheartedly care about this issue, but caring about this this has only perpetuated my personal contradicting and confusing feelings about this whole – living on the other side of the world to my fam in the middle of a pandemic thang. Self inflicted – I know.

The end game for New Zealand isn’t clear. Now, we are the world’s darling with our response, but the goal appears to be a vaccine, and what if a vaccine is never created? It is not a certainty. Countries who have had a less “good” response than New Zealand will have learned to live with the virus, in albeit a destructive and devastating way sometimes, but I can’t help but worry about where that will leave us. At the point of no vaccine – could our response turn out to be the worst- as we will remain “trapped” long after the world opens again? who knows, and I’m sure, for some, permenant closure would be a good outcome. There are much worse places to be trapped after all!

It truly feels like we are living in an alternate reality. In my wildest dreams, I could never have imagined being in such a strange situation. It makes making a commitment to life in a new country even harder than before (and it was already hard) – could there be a world where NZ has strict borders forever? Who knows! It is an unsettling feeling.

So, it looks like we are around for a while longer and despite all my worries, it feels like a blessing for now. Who knows if the Aussie visa will ever come through anyway – they take it slow in immigration over there. (Blog post coming soon!)

I am aware that a lot of this might sound so spoilt and that we are so blessed in our situation but I just wanted to share this post anyway. I learnt from the response to my last pandemic post that many of you are living this strange experience too and I want you to know that your feelings are valid.

Sending love out there.

Read my initial blog post about my Pandemic Anxiety – HERE.